Christmas Letter 2015
Unless you are living under a rock in a swamp on Dagobah, you might have noticed that a new Star Wars movie, “The Force Awakens,” opens this December. The marketing folks are using every Jedi mind trick in the book then, to associate their products with the new Star Wars movie. Cover Girl has Light Side AND Dark Side makeup, Star Wars creamer is putting your coffee into hyperdrive, and spaghetti-o’s is now THE official food of Jedi. So, without further ado, and without official licensing of any sort, the Ferguson 2015 Christmas letter gets the full Star Wars tie-in treatment.
In a galaxy far far away…
In a small suburban landscape strewn with small shopping malls, Toni and Byron Ferguson scrape out a living under the scorching sun on the planet Parkerooine. Nolan and Kyra Ferguson, twins, strong in the Force, spend each day nearing completion of their high school education on Parkerooine.. but clearly yearning for something bigger.
Nolan, tired of shooting womp rats back in Beggar’s Canyon, decided to take on a part time job playing with young jedi at a nearby elementary school after classes each day. Nolan quickly learned that kindergarteners cheat at dejarak (a 3d holo game played throughout the galaxy but especially popular amongst smugglers), kickball, and chess. Unfortunately, some of the kindergartners are Wookies and 7 ft tall, so Nolan is urged to “let the Wookie win.” Nolan ends nearly every day of work by returning to our farm and complaining bitterly that “he hates kids.” Byron and Toni believe this may be the best way to encourage him to not have any of his own until he is much, much older.
Kyra, who has never actually met Princess Leia of Alderaan, reminds us of her regularly- strong and surly. Kyra excels at the art of camouflage- regularly crafting costumes to emulate fictitious characters like Dr. Who, or Captain Mal Reynolds from Firefly. Finally she seems to spending less times fantasizing about fiction and now actually is making something useful. She’s so taken with her new outfit that she wanted to legally change her name to Han Solo and take a crack at setting a new record for the Kessel run, but her mother has forbidden it.
Kyra added to her school day by acquiring employment at the Subway cantina. Kyra regularly sold sandwiches (what the locals call meat and cheese on bread) to all types of spacefarers. Teachers, lawyers, and even the emperor’s right hand man, came in for the “sandwiches.” Darthy (Kyra’s nickname for the Emperor’s man) regularly ordered the 6” meatball on dark rye. Some of the employees were put off by Darthy’s progressively deteriorating physical condition and eventual raspy breathing, but Kyra on the other hand found him to be a superior tipper.
Kyra and Nolan successfully navigated their courses at Jedi / Legend High, receiving their diplomas at the end of the school year. Family, farmers, and bantha herders (very smelly) came from near and far to help us celebrate. Thanks to all who attended, sent their well wishes and gifts, or shared in our happiness at graduation. While extremely proud of both kids, Byron and Toni were also filled with dread as both indicated their desire to further their knowledge of the force at University.
Force training is expensive even with contributions from family and relatives. Byron and Toni hoped to cash in on a land grab in Parkeroine, and decided to start downsizing their holding to improve their overall financial position. The family sold the farm, protocol droid, and binary moisture evaporators. Our new “temporary” home in Highlands Ranch(oine) is closer to Byron’s work, more centrally located in general, and is now closer to Toni’s new job helping teach young jedi, but in a completely new school. Both Nolan and Kyra found the new smaller home perfect training for their upcoming stay in University dorm rooms. Our new galactic contact info is at the end of this letter.
Nolan, a fan of the T65AC4 x-wing starfighter, accepted entrance to University of Colorado Boulder (CU) and plans to major in Aeronautical Engineering. CU impressed on almost all aspects as a university but not on accommodations. Nolan’s dorm, featuring 3 foot thick concrete walls, steam heat radiators, and vintage fixtures, resembles closely a Hoth shield bunker. Nolan ignored the wampa hanging frozen from the ceiling of his dorm room and joined a student team launching a balloon satellite. The team took one of only two prizes available to balloon satellite teams at the CU engineering design expo. Hopefully Nolan can find work with the rebellion designing x-wings.
Kyra, probably on purpose, went a different path from her brother. Kyra elected to attend Colorado State University in Fort Collins (CSU.) We realize that CSU and CU have a long and storied history of rivalry not dissimilar from the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. Toni and Byron can only hope that the history and enmity will not seep slowly into the relationship between brother and sister. So many families have been torn apart by choices between factions, Dark and Light, or in this case.. black and gold vs. green and gold. Our family, for now, proudly flies a split flag, and hopes to never be forced to choose one side over the other; though, obviously, we prefer the light side.
Kyra is currently studying, and hopes to get majors in both, math and psychology, preparing her perfectly for a future career as a smuggler or professional sabac player. If the odds are not in her favor she can evaluate her opponent’s weaknesses. Kyra assures us she is planning a non-sabac career in psychometrics- the study of psychological measurement. Frankly, we can’t be sure she isn’t bluffing.
While Kyra and Nolan are “at University,” Byron and Toni can do all the things they couldn’t while their kids were home; mostly eat food that is still in their refrigerator, and watch TV without folding laundry. Nolan, who obviously worries about his parents; comes home every weekend to see us. Unfortunately, we see very little of him on these visits, and he elects to spend much of his weekend time with his girlfriend Bri. Bri has never seen a single Star Wars movie, so we feel lending Nolan and our boxed original Star Wars films to her is a public service.
Kyra comes home less often than Nolan. Kyra’s taken on a part time job at school, is on the board for her residence hall, and is taking resident hall assistant classes with hopes of becoming an “RA” next year. We’re certain none of these are efforts to avoid her parents. She is, though, talking about taking summer classes now. Hmm.
We hope YOUR university days are far behind you, and MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!