Greetings from your favorite Fergusons- Byron, Toni, Nolan and Kyra. Unfortunately, we must inform you that this could be a counterfeit Christmas letter. We, like many, are the victims of identity theft. This year our identity was used to file a false return with the IRS, so, taking a cue from the IRS, we’re asking all Christmas letter recipients to: 1) Fill out the attached Form 8456 requesting a Christmas Letter Personal Identification Number or CLPIN. 2) In the event that Form 8456 is missing, call our toll free Christmas letter identity verification hotline (CLIVH). Please note the CLIVH telephone number is listed on attached form 8456. Also note, you may experience longer than normal wait times during the Christmas Letter season. 3) To save time visit the Christmas Letter identification verification website (CLIVW). Note that the website address is listed on the attached 8456 form to save space. Of course, at this late date in the year, the Ferguson’s still find themselves waiting for our tax return; you’re holding your Christmas letter- obviously, our system is working better than the IRS one.
Jumping through IRS hoops only slightly diminished our enthusiasm for the rest of our year. Byron and Toni are holding down their current residence in Highlands Ranch, while our two college students start their second year- Nolan at CU, and Kyra at CSU. Kyra, took possession of a single room in the dorm again this year. Nolan, on the other hand, was forced to find off-campus housing. CU has too many freshman and forces non-freshman to search for their own accommodations. Boulder housing expensive and in short supply, Byron patted himself on the back just a bit too soon for finding a “reasonable” apartment complex with “private” rooms.
As it turns out, the rooms were not actually private. The new landlords, busy tearing up water mains, and drywalling inside and outside, as we attempted to move Nolan in, had put up swinging bookcases in each room. dividing it into two barely closet-sized spaces. While doubling their rent income was indeed very entrepreneurial, perhaps the new landlords should have discussed their plans with the Boulder planning department. The single smoke detector, blocked second exit, and ventilation issues irked more than one parent who let the city (and local press) know what was going on. Nolan texted on day 2 to let us know that he’d been “evicted” from his room while the landlords scrambled with the city to work on changes so tenants could actually occupy the space they were paying for. Nolan was finally able to move back in, though now we weren’t entirely sure we wanted him to live there. The good news was, Boulder being quite liberal, Nolan managed, in his just one homeless day to panhandle $37.50.
While her brother Nolan panhandled in Boulder, Kyra has dived fully into dorm life at CSU. Kyra accepted a position as a peer academic leader- planning educational / fun events for residence hall students, and works the front desk at her residence hall. Mostly were just super excited CSU has a place for students to stay right on campus.
In April, Toni’s sister Mari decided to marry her long-time beau of fourteen years, De. After being inundated with unsolicited planning advice from Toni and Lanora (Mari’s other sister), Mari finally decided to elope. Before eloping, however, Mari let her two sisters and one brother know. The entire Perez clan (and a few of De’s relatives, too) decided to crash the party. Mari elected for a small and elegant wedding at a local chapel; eschewing the Elvis officiant Byron secretly wished for; maybe for Byron and Toni’s 25th vows renewal!
For Christmas last year, Byron’s sister Diane bought the Fergusons airfare to Amsterdam for June. When Diane, who originally intended to travel with the Fergusons, had to cancel, the Fergusons, rudely but perhaps predictably, decided to proceed without her.
First stop on our Amsterdam adventure was Paris. Again. Frankly, Toni likes Paris as much as she likes Phantom of the Opera and any excuse to visit is taken. Touring the city, the Ferguson’s plopped down in outdoor seating of a fine Parisian restaurant overlooking the Eiffel tower. Nolan, in a misguided attempt to save the family money, ordered steak tartare (‘cause it was the cheapest thing with meat) at a high-end Paris restaurant. Busy with our own selections, none of the rest of the family noticed Nolan’s misguided martyrdom. Instead, Toni, Byron, and Kyra couldn’t stop laughing as the raw hamburger meat with seasonings dropped directly in front of Nolan’s horrified face. “I wondered why they didn’t ask me how I wanted it prepared. They always ask how you want steak prepared,” proclaimed Nolan. The rest of the family shared some of their more sane selections with the young gourmand as he just couldn’t choke his selection down.
In Amsterdam, Nolan continued to amuse. The Fergusons toured the Anne Frank house, canals, and ate local delicacies of Stroopwafels, Belgian Fries, and Bitterballen. At the Rijksmuseum, the family saw works by great Dutch masters, and Nolan had his first ever full beer- a giant Heineken that he pounded down like a pro. His “first beer ever” Nolan-the-second-year-at-CU-student assures us. Consider us.. suspicious.
Toni, in an effort to avoid the inevitable ravages of time, began walking this year. That is to say, she began walking as exercise, with Byron; she’s actually been walking-walking since around age 2. In order to stay motivated, Toni signed up for her first “marathon”- the Bronco’s 7K which offered a Bronco’s race shirt and cool medal, just the motivation Toni needed. The rest of the family insists on reminding her that it’s not an actual marathon, but picking a 7K for your first race is certainly overreaching in our books. We’re happy to report Toni successfully finished her walk, but was thoroughly disappointed to find out that no Bronco’s players were actually waiting at the finish line to greet her in person.
Speaking of overreaching, Byron, who hasn’t acted on stage since before the kids were born, decided to audition for a local not-quite-a-play. The show, for a library event, was a short version of Little Red Riding Hood, required only 4 rehearsals, and had a script only two pages long. Much to his chagrin, memorizing the lines still proved a challenge. Byron, who auditioned for all the parts, including Little Red, received the part of Big Bad Wolf. Byron, practically born to play the part of a wolf, hammed his way through the part, charming, if not everyone, at least a third grader in the second row of one of the performances.
In November, Byron and Nolan took a quick trip to Austin Texas so Nolan, a huge fan, could see a live F1 race. Despite being told by his dad that, as an American, he should be watching Nascar, Nolan continues to prefer his races with both left and right turns. The two Ferguson’s flew to Houston, rented a car, then drove to Austin, stopping every 30 miles or so for some more barbecue- all of it good. Having successfully avoided some of the exorbitant one-weekend-a-year price gougings that are F1 weekend, the two Fergusons scoped out the race site late Saturday afternoon. As the afternoon wore on, it became clear there were two distinctly different groups of people attending Circuit of the Americas; race fans, clearly identifiable by racing shirts-and-hats-and-everything; and Taylor Swift fans, clearly identifiable by cute boots, glittering club wear, and by being 20 years younger than pretty much everyone else at the track. Nolan and Byron made their way slowly over to the grounds for the later Taylor Swift concert which was included in their admission price, but eventually decided it wasn’t worth standing in line to sit on the lawn and left for more barbecue.
On Sunday, Byron and Nolan showed up early to get some autographs from drivers. Autographs appeared to be going invariably to cute girls (probably Taylor Swift fans) and small children. Nolan, who’s learned from his mom, stood next to a small boy from Mexico who only wanted an autograph from Sergio Perez (no relation to Toni). Nolan handed his items to the small boy from Mexico, who in turn got them signed. Mission accomplished.
Not to be outdone, Toni has planned a trip to New York for Kyra in December. Toni already has plans to show-off introduce Kyra to her upstate friends and family. In addition, Kyra will sample Toni’s favorite indigenous New York foods like spiedies, Pizza, and deli food. Finally, Toni hopes she and Kyra will get to see Toni’s dreamboat hockey team the New York Rangers. Finally, while financial nearly impossible, Kyra would like to see Hamilton while in New York. Hopefully she can have a second or third choice that might work for the two of them, otherwise, Toni is likely to see Phantom of the Opera for the umpteenth time and Kyra can go along.
Finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least address the elephant (and donkey) in the room. Both parties put up for the Presidential election (or were taken over) candidates that at least 50% of America flat out hates. We’re relatively sure that Donald Trump will not immediately reform the IRS and get us our return- so we definitely hate him. However, we’re just as sure that Hillary wouldn’t have helped with our situation either, so we feel justified to hate her too. We do feel there is one thing that all Americans can agree on, however. We feel that America should seriously reconsider the drinking age. If newly eligible 18-year-old voters are going to have to decide between these types of candidates, they should at least be able to drink. Of course, we’re guessing they already had their first Heineken a while ago.
Happy Holidays and wishing you and yours all the best,
Byron, Toni, Nolan and Kyra Ferguson
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9465
(Rev. December 2013) Christmas Letter Identity Verification Department |
Christmas Letter
Product Placement Request Information about Form 9465 and its separate instructions is at www.byrini.com/form9465 |
CLV No. 1545-0074 |
Tip: This is NOT the Christmas Letter Identity Verification Form 8456. While often confused for the 8456, the Form 9465 is a different unrelated form. The Form 9465 Form is used for corporate product placement requests in the Christmas Letter. Product placements or “your-name-here” opportunities are available beginning at $50000, but must be pre approved and verified by the Christmas Letter Product Placement Planning and Approval Department.
| PART 1 |
CHRISTMAS LETTER OFFICIANTS
Byron Ferguson byron@byrini.com
Editor-in-chief
Toni Ferguson toni@byrini.com
Big-Chief-Notebook
Nolan Ferguson nolan@byrini.com
CSU field correspondent
Kyra Ferguson kyra@byrini.com
CU field correspondent
PART 2
MAIN OFFICE ADDRESS
PART 3
(over)